Ok I thought I would get into the Holiday Spirit and give you the real version of Christmas Stories:
Since it is only the last day of November I will not start just yet. I will however talk about when I had the swine flu. Yes me, Shannon, a nigga was taken down by swine! I am not muslim, I have never wasted a piece of pig that was plated in front of me yet the good Lord saw fit to giveth me swine flu. Ain’t that a bitch!
Anyway, this is how it happened. We were coming back from Chicago last Sunday and Cleon had gotten sick. Me, being the nurturing black woman I am wanted to make him feel better so I babied him all the way home. We get home and he’s all shaken not stirred and running a fever =, but I gotta go get the kids so I bring him some Theraflu and wish him luck. Well, I get home from work on Monday and this fool is running a temp of 104. I take him to the hospital at 7pm mind you and do not leave until 2am. I HATE POTOMAC HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!!! The whole time we’re at the hospital he’s looking better and better. Don’t you hate that shit. Like, I know we are about to be in this waiting room forever and you wanna start looking better now. If I leave and you get worse we’ll just be back here, if you keep acting like you feel better Imma stab you and get us back there quicker. Well, we stayed and that’s when they said he had the swine flu then gonna look at me when I start coughing and ask me if I had the shot. And I’m clearly not running backwards so why she asked IDK. All I know is, I woke up on Tuesday with a case of the Chitlin virus!
Now, I don’t exactly know how I made it to work on Tuesday but I did. I was up in this bitch with the shakes and falling asleep at my desk. Now my job description is doorman/bellhop and I will tell you that I was neither on Tuesday, everyone used their damn keys. I was passed out at this desk with my head back and my mouth wide opened! I have never been able to not act well at work when I am sick but I was DONE! The CEO came in and asked if I was tired and all I could say was I’m sick. Why he waited 2 more hours before he told me to go home is beyond me! I think that if you walk in and your admin is shivering in her sleep you should take immediate concern as to whether she is going to die or not!
Well, I don’t know how I made it home that day, but I do know that I went to sleep in my car for like an hour before I could even think about pulling off. I spent the next 3 days in the damn dark. I am sofa king serious when I say I did not know what day it was when I woke up. The whole room just smelled sick, I smelled sick and I looked sick. My damn weave is all shot to hell because I couldn’t wrap it and I was sweating and shit. My eyes still hurt because I don’t think they are ready for this much light just yet. I will tell you this though swine flu is the best damn thing if you want to quit smoking. I have not picked up a cigarette since last Monday. I tried to smoke but I could not breathe and it just started tasting nasty, but I didn’t want to be a quitter so I tried again. I just can’t smoke. I don’t think I have quit for good I may take a hit every now and again if Steph is smoking just so I don’t come off rude, you know sitting there all up in her smoke and don’t have the decency to light my own. Shit like that.
I am running out of things to talk about now that I am talking about cigarettes. I want one now. Oh yeah, Cleon quit too but after we left the mall yesterday he was like, this is why I smoked. I tried then too but couldn’t. I don’t try to do it around him to often because he’s been off longer but sometimes you need a little nicotine in your life man. I am a firm believer that there are just as many reasons why smoking isn’t stupid as those meddling ass kids find that there are. Let’s go down the list shall we:
Case 1: Your boss is all up in your face talking shit, trying to play that power game you can beat him within an inch of his life and risk going to jail forever or light up a cigarette, forget about it and collect unemployment. Can you tell me why smoking is stupid?
Case 2: The kids are driving you crazy, you’re trying to cook, clean break up fights and shit and all of a sudden something gets broke. We’re at that pivotal moment again where you can choose a decision that will land you in jail, or smoke a cigarette and face a lesser charge of child abuse for an ass whoopin and with luck the kids will get put into foster care and you can smoke in the house again. Can you tell me why smoking is stupid?
Case 3: There’s nothing to do on the drive home. You’re sitting in traffic and there’s police on both sides of you. You can either A. pick up that other half of the joint from this morning and risk going to jail for possession or B. Light a cigarette and get a small fine for littering when you toss the butt. Can you tell me why smoking is stupid?
I DON”T THINK YOU CAN AMERICA!!!!! I have just given you 33 very real circumstances in a rebuttal to those punk ass kids who like to demonstrate the shit on the street; I think I’ll go plan a little demonstration of my own.