Monday, November 30, 2009

Swine Flu and Cigarettes

Ok I thought I would get into the Holiday Spirit and give you the real version of Christmas Stories:

Since it is only the last day of November I will not start just yet. I will however talk about when I had the swine flu. Yes me, Shannon, a nigga was taken down by swine! I am not muslim, I have never wasted a piece of pig that was plated in front of me yet the good Lord saw fit to giveth me swine flu. Ain’t that a bitch!

Anyway, this is how it happened. We were coming back from Chicago last Sunday and Cleon had gotten sick. Me, being the nurturing black woman I am wanted to make him feel better so I babied him all the way home. We get home and he’s all shaken not stirred and running a fever =, but I gotta go get the kids so I bring him some Theraflu and wish him luck. Well, I get home from work on Monday and this fool is running a temp of 104. I take him to the hospital at 7pm mind you and do not leave until 2am. I HATE POTOMAC HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!!! The whole time we’re at the hospital he’s looking better and better. Don’t you hate that shit. Like, I know we are about to be in this waiting room forever and you wanna start looking better now. If I leave and you get worse we’ll just be back here, if you keep acting like you feel better Imma stab you and get us back there quicker. Well, we stayed and that’s when they said he had the swine flu then gonna look at me when I start coughing and ask me if I had the shot. And I’m clearly not running backwards so why she asked IDK. All I know is, I woke up on Tuesday with a case of the Chitlin virus!

Now, I don’t exactly know how I made it to work on Tuesday but I did. I was up in this bitch with the shakes and falling asleep at my desk. Now my job description is doorman/bellhop and I will tell you that I was neither on Tuesday, everyone used their damn keys. I was passed out at this desk with my head back and my mouth wide opened! I have never been able to not act well at work when I am sick but I was DONE! The CEO came in and asked if I was tired and all I could say was I’m sick. Why he waited 2 more hours before he told me to go home is beyond me! I think that if you walk in and your admin is shivering in her sleep you should take immediate concern as to whether she is going to die or not!

Well, I don’t know how I made it home that day, but I do know that I went to sleep in my car for like an hour before I could even think about pulling off. I spent the next 3 days in the damn dark. I am sofa king serious when I say I did not know what day it was when I woke up. The whole room just smelled sick, I smelled sick and I looked sick. My damn weave is all shot to hell because I couldn’t wrap it and I was sweating and shit. My eyes still hurt because I don’t think they are ready for this much light just yet. I will tell you this though swine flu is the best damn thing if you want to quit smoking. I have not picked up a cigarette since last Monday. I tried to smoke but I could not breathe and it just started tasting nasty, but I didn’t want to be a quitter so I tried again. I just can’t smoke. I don’t think I have quit for good I may take a hit every now and again if Steph is smoking just so I don’t come off rude, you know sitting there all up in her smoke and don’t have the decency to light my own. Shit like that.

I am running out of things to talk about now that I am talking about cigarettes. I want one now. Oh yeah, Cleon quit too but after we left the mall yesterday he was like, this is why I smoked. I tried then too but couldn’t. I don’t try to do it around him to often because he’s been off longer but sometimes you need a little nicotine in your life man. I am a firm believer that there are just as many reasons why smoking isn’t stupid as those meddling ass kids find that there are. Let’s go down the list shall we:

Case 1: Your boss is all up in your face talking shit, trying to play that power game you can beat him within an inch of his life and risk going to jail forever or light up a cigarette, forget about it and collect unemployment. Can you tell me why smoking is stupid?

Case 2: The kids are driving you crazy, you’re trying to cook, clean break up fights and shit and all of a sudden something gets broke. We’re at that pivotal moment again where you can choose a decision that will land you in jail, or smoke a cigarette and face a lesser charge of child abuse for an ass whoopin and with luck the kids will get put into foster care and you can smoke in the house again. Can you tell me why smoking is stupid?

Case 3: There’s nothing to do on the drive home. You’re sitting in traffic and there’s police on both sides of you. You can either A. pick up that other half of the joint from this morning and risk going to jail for possession or B. Light a cigarette and get a small fine for littering when you toss the butt. Can you tell me why smoking is stupid?

I DON”T THINK YOU CAN AMERICA!!!!! I have just given you 33 very real circumstances in a rebuttal to those punk ass kids who like to demonstrate the shit on the street; I think I’ll go plan a little demonstration of my own.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

What you won't do!!!!!!

Okay- I had a really good conversation last night with 2 of my best friends and I said I would blog about it today. For the life of me I cannot remember what the hell it was about, but I know it was hilarious!!!

I think I remember a little of what it was about. We were sitting in the garage you know, chillin’ and conversating and talking about our cars when we were younger and a bunch of ol’ school shit. Anyway, I was telling the story about when my friend finally got her car one summer and everyone stopped riding with me just because this bitch had A/C. I mean really! How trifling can one be? My car was a piece of shit though. You couldn’t listen to the radio if your foot was on the break, no A/C, and no power windows. I think the conversation went on to talk about me having a long string with a CD hanging from it. There was some myth or whatever that police couldn’t get your radar reading. Whatever! My main point is that they didn’t have to go on me so hard about how long the string was.

This blog is probably going to seem all over the place because I am trying to put together the conversation in my mind. I was severely inebriated and I said I would right about that moment but I think my mind must have erased it, so I will continue to skip around until I figure out what the hell it is I wanted to say if you don’t mind…….

Okay, then we started talking about being able to drive under the influence. I think that driving lessons should be taken while you are drunk so that you learn how to drive drunk. I think it will cut down on accidents because really, if you go out drinking you gotta get home and who really wants to be the lame ass designated driver when everyone else is gettin’ hammered drunk!!!! Anyway, we were talking about not being able to talk on the cell phone while you are under the influence and driving and if you can do that you are a complete pro and I will ride with you anywhere! I have one friend B who is a great driver even when intoxicated and I will ride anywhere with her without a seat belt. My beliefs are if you put your seat belt as soon as you get into someone’s car that is insulting! Are you trying to indicate to the driver that you do not trust their ability to safely operate a vehicle? Now, if the driver reaches for theirs first that something different. I mean, why would I want to ride with someone who doesn’t have faith in their own ability to get us where we need to be safely? While we’re on the subject of seat belts I would like to pose this question to Virginia’s law makers. “Why do you feel the need to give me a ticket for not wearing my seat belt?” I mean really, if I am in an accident and not wearing my seat belt and the other driver gets hurt do I get a ticket because apparently the lack of me wearing a seat belt caused the accident? I think that is the stupidest shit! I mean I got a $25 ticket for not wearing my seat belt and I was just like are you serious! I mean whatever happened to a speeding ticket?

In other news………. I had a conversation about why I don’t go out with my finace. My friends made some valid points, but I just can’t bring myself to have a good time with him. Maybe it’s me just being a bitch, but I just don’t think he knows how to party like I do. Maybe things should change in the way you party when you get older, but when I go out that’s me time and I really don’t want to bring the problems along. Like honestly, how many people are comfortable partying with their man the way they party with their girlfriends? The way I like to party is the way I like to party and if I have to stay sober and dance with only you when we go out, there’s no need for us to go out together. We are going to Chicago this weekend and I really hope I can shake some of these feelings because if we can’t hangout together we can’t be together. Is that stupid?

Oh yeah, saw this video of a girl who got the flu shot and she can only walk backward and talk normal when she’s running. It’s not funny, but it is. I hate things like that, where you have to be careful of who you laugh at it with. Well, I’m sorry but this shit was funny to me! At least she’s still alive right? I mean I would hope she could laugh at the fact that if she will have to run around just to have a normal conversation, I think I secretly wish I had that because as much as I talk I would probably be skinny as a bitch jogging 9 miles a day just to talk shit!

Well, I started this blog at 8 this morning, it is now 11:23. I’m done, I’ve just finished running around picking up hams and shit. Playing florist and interior designer. ALL for some ungrateful bastards!!!! All I know is if my boss does his speech before this damn lunch and can’t remember my name again I’m going to embarrass this shit out of him! I can’t say what I will do but if it happens be prepared for another blog…………………………………

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Damn Kids!!!!!!

Okay, so I was listening to the radio yesterday and there was this story about a nine year old girl who preformed a sex act (blow job) on a boy in her class in the library. The little boy raises his hand to tell the teacher and she says “If you’re not telling on yourself, put your hand down”. He puts his hand down and the little girl continues. My first question is 1. Why the hell is he snitchin! You should be so lucky! LOL! No, I’m kidding that’s wrong. 9 is way to young to be doing those sorts of things unless you were trained by a professional, and quite frankly the age for my program starts at 13. Question 2. Where the hell did she see this at? I really hope she was watching porn, GOD forbid her mother taught her this; I’d have to call CPS at that point. Anyway, I just wanted to get that off my chest!

Moving on……….. Last night I get home and have too cook dinner. I hate that ish! All I’m saying is if you get home before me (speaking about my fiancĂ©) If you get home before me, would it kill you to at least start dinner at a descent damn hour! I get home and this fool is in the kitchen backing cookies like he is some damn Freddy Crocker!!!! What really pisses me off though is the fact that while I’m cooking I have to keep a toddler from kicking his 6 year old brothers ass, all while trying not to burn dinner, washing the dishes and setting the table. Then I have to deal with my fiance’s attitude when I ask him to dry the dishes off and put them away! Like really, you sat there the whole time on the damn computer while I was slaving over this meal and trying to clean and beat kids, in my stilettos! Who should have the attitude??????????

Why is it that men think they don’t need to exhibit much responsibility when it comes to the kids? I have 2 boys and I will be damned if they think that’s how they’re going to be. I hear it from their grandmother every morning when it’s time to get dressed and get out the door about how I yell at them and that won’t make them go any faster. WHATEVER THE FUCK EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m sorry, I grew up in a family where RESPECT was something genetic and not something you were taught, and I will break my children down to the damn ground if they EVER disrespect me! My 6 year old is smart as hell, but he slips up sometimes and catches a chin check! He has a problem with rubbing it in my face when he’s right. For example, I told him to go and get his socks out of his room; he walks in there and says he doesn’t see them. OK- It’s 6:50am we have to be out of the house by 7. I’m already fighting with the baby to put his clothes on while my ass is still in a robe so at this point, if he doesn’t take his ass in there for more than 2 seconds and look for those socks it’s going to turn into a “Precious” moment. Anyway, I try to keep my cool and tell him to go and look in the last place I saw them. “Trent, go look on your bed, next to the car pillow” I have to break shit down to his ass otherwise he’ll look in one spot on the damn bed. Again, he comes back and says he doesn’t see them. By then I have turned around and pushed his ass out my way to go and look for myself. Ok, so they’re not there I walk back to my room and his sitting on the bed staring at the dresser, “Mommy, there’s my socks right there, maybe you should remember where you put things” What the hell do I do smack him or laugh. Neither, “fuck you son, put your damn socks on” Yes that is how I talk to my children. You must teach them curse words so they know what not to say.

The baby, he will be 2 in January. For a 2 year old he talks very well. He also has the amazing ability to whoop ass! This little boy will fight whoever, whenever, for what ever reason. If he brother is teasing him with a toy you better believe once he gets that toy he is goin’ upside his head with it. He constantly has to be watched around other children, older children. I think he has little man syndrome. He usually goes after the biggest kids to let it be known that he a force to be reckoned with. He has even gotten to the point now where he fights me and his dad. Now, his dad hardly ever punishes him, he is the “Golden Child” when it comes to him. The other day though, we wouldn’t move when his dad told him to come here and got snatched up by his little shit and I guess his first reaction was to fight so he stole on his dad like Tyson! LMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!! This was the funniest shit I have ever seen in my life, do you hear me! I could not let him get spanked for that because it was a very beneficial moment for me! He provided me with laughter and amusement for years to come! As far as his talking, he knows a little too much. He is potty training right now and he is doing very well to be so young. Well, one morning I was taking him to the bathroom because he said he had to go. I put him on the potty, waited a few minutes and he didn’t do anything, so I took him off and he wanted to get back on. Well, I put him back on and waited a little longer and still nothing so I took him off again, the minute I took him off he peed on the floor. I was more upset with myself for not being patient, but I had to go to work. Well, I just kept saying aww, you really had to go, mommy should have let you sit on the potty longer, ooh Chupie I’m so sorry. And to this he replied “Mommy, chill out” Again, I’m at a lost for words. Did my baby just tell me to chill out? I can laugh at that because I least he didn’t tell me to shut up this time.

Well, I’m running out of things I like to talk about. I think maybe after I come down from this morning wake and bake I’ll be able to write more. I just really wanted to get the point across that: There is nothing wrong with beating your kids or cussing them out. The more they can take from you the better off they’ll be in society

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

While At Work

I get to work at 8 o’clock in the morning, most of the time I am usually running about 15 minutes late. Once I get to my desk I start to count down the minutes on the clock. Time just seems to eek by. I’m looking at the clock and it’s 9:52am. This is the time I start thinking about lunch. It already feels like I’ve been here the better part of the day and I try to trick my mind into believing it’s later than what it is. So, what will I have for lunch today? I’m thinking I want something spicy, or maybe I want a nice burger, or pizza is sounding good right about now. It’s been 3 minutes and I already have a decision to make that will get me to 12 o’clock. The only bad thing about this is that I probably won’t be taking a lunch today. Why? Because it seems that when I miss a day I am responsible for making these hours up during my lunch time, so I just sit and watch people come in and out. NO! I buzz them in and out of the office which is even more annoying because some people act like they can’t wait for the buzzer! Anyway, I watch them happily go out for lunch with co-workers or on the phone with a lunch date and come back in well after their allotted hour and I can’t help but to hate them, and this job!!!

It’s 10 o’clock, my boss just left to run an errand or something. The one thing that irritates me the most about my boss is how he can come and go as he pleases, but if I get up to go to the bathroom and LORD forbid the phone ring or someone rings the door bell and he has to walk 2 feet from his office door, I will get a long email about how the phone is my baby and I cannot leave it unattended. I think I am one email away from leaving a bucket of pee next to my desk just to see how serious he is!

One of my favorite hobbies to get me through the day was my smoke break! It’s getting to cold outside now to go out 3 or 4 times a day but I think I will have to get back into that habit. If you sit at a desk for 9 hours a day your ass starts to take the shape of the chair. My brother in-law told me I was finally getting an ass, but I think it is the chair print that is so well defined and imprinted on each cheek giving my butt that “shawty got ass” effect!

It’s 10:05am. I feel like I could complain about my job all day. Maybe I should, I’ve just wasted 13mins I could have spent staring at the stapler on writing. I’ve never done a blog before but trying to figure out what to write about isn’t hard for me. Give me a topic and I’ll go on and on like Erykah Badu!!!

Just buzzed in the Chinese guy that works in the office next door, we are having a potluck on the 19th and for some reason he thought it was last week and brought in a big thing of green beans and an apple pie. Normally, I don’t go eating anyone’s homemade crap, but this pie was smelling right! I put the fact that he may have cats out of my mind and got a piece anyway, and it was delicious. If he does happen to bring those greenbeans in again on Thursday, I will probably pass for fear that they are the same beans from last time! While I’m on the subject of food, let’s talk about when someone brings in a treat for the office.

I get donuts every other Friday, and muffins. Why do these men, yes men, because there are only 4 women her. Why do these men think it’s okay to pick off of a muffin or take 2 and 3 donuts back to their desk for later? That just get’s under my skin!!! The donuts are for EVERYONE damnit!! I was in the kitchen yesterday getting a cookie from the box. One of my bosses and I had gone out to get stuff for the potluck this week and picked up some cookies for the office. Anyway, I go to get a cookie, I grabbed a napkin, mind you I had set out a stack of napkins just so no one would have an excuse to stick their bare hands in the box. Well as soon as I get my cookie with my napkin here comes my co-worker and he just flat out says, “I’m just gonna put my hand in here and grab one.” The first thing out of my mouth was triflin’! I’m not sure if he was offended by it, I usually try my best not to be too blatant when talking to these people, but at that point that was all I could think to say!

It’s now 10:17am. I guess I better pretend to do some work for a while.